


Running in Circles

by EvoResult



Category: Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors
Genre: Angst, Denial, F/M, Fantasizing, Pining, have some more Harutaka angst, that word is so weird with Takane I don't know why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 05:24:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2055312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvoResult/pseuds/EvoResult
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all seems a little silly, until she realizes that it isn't. But, of course, it doesn't matter either way.<br/>Basically Ene telling herself she didn't really feel anything for Haruka, then she realizes that she did and still does, and calmly panics.<br/>(The rating is just for this one really vague part, and you can easily skip it. Otherwise, it could be G.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Running in Circles

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I wouldn't write any fanfiction, I really did. Then I finished Mekakucity Actors and Harutaka DID NOT HAPPEN, and this was born. Then, I told myself I'd just keep it on my computer and wouldn't post it anywhere, but there's a disturbing lack of material for this pairing, so I decided to submit it for the common good.  
> Basically I poured out my headcanon for Ene's struggle with her feelings after becoming a "virus". I ended up with a lot of run on sentences that I thought about fixing, but I think that's what her thoughts would be like, so I kept them.  
> Oh, and there's a high probability that this is awful, since the last time I wrote fanfiction was almost two years ago, and rereading what I did write is enough to make me scream. But maybe my original writing since then has been enough practice to make the fanfiction decent? I do hope so.  
> If you can, enjoy.

            At first, the whole thing seems really, really childish.

            When Takane had realized she loved Haruka, she'd gotten this great adrenaline rush that allowed her to sprint off towards him, if only for just a second. In that short chunk of time, she'd felt so much more mature than she was just minutes ago; she was being _honest_ with herself for a change and it wasn't bad at all. She thought that certainly she'd become an adult. But, of course, what goes up must come down (she really should have remembered this, because she definitely _knew_ it), and her body chose that moment to fall and loose consciousness.

            With such an "ah-ha moment" ending well before its time, of course this new Takane, "Ene", had the right to mope around for a bit. The one time in her life that she'd actually put her entire being into something that was real and external, not stuck in a computer, she'd failed miserably and gotten stuck in a computer herself. The whole realization was meaningless if it couldn't be taken outside of her head. For what seemed like years but was probably only a day or two, the only thing she could see wasn't the code surrounding her, but Haruka's disappointed face. Even though he was never upset with her, he'd probably be disgusted now. _"That's all you were able to do?"_ he'd sigh, referring to her run that didn't even get down her down the hall. Then, he'd gaze out the window with a pitying smile, because even with a person like her, he could never glare.

            After this ends, though, all Taka-- no, Ene can think is, _Why would I try so hard for that?_ Even if it had seemed to be a revolution of her character at the time, it really wasn't, was it? That whole, _"I want to be with Haruka,"_ was just an impulse she had because she was under stress. A decision like that, made without any consideration, was something that teenagers did all the time. It could all be attributed to hormones. And she goes on thinking that-- knowing that for the better portion of two years.

            But sometimes, as Ta-- _Ene_ thinks of how much she wishes she'd never met Kokonose Haruka, she has doubts. _I was stupid,_ she thinks, _For saying I loved him._ Underneath those harsh words, a more vague part of her says, _I was stupid for waiting too long._ And later, _I hate how cheerful he was._ The even more undefined part of her adds, _Because it made me love him._ She goes on thinking these two-faced thoughts. She finds her way to Shintaro, and learns to appreciate him for the coward he is, yet can't help but constantly, incessantly, compare him to that guy from the past who's still blurry.

            As if that's not bad enough, Shintaro sleeps anywhere from two to eighteen hours a day, and Ene has to do something with herself to save her from boredom. Renaming files and changing passwords on folders is fun, but she isn't a creative person by nature, so there's only so much she can do. She goes roaming through the internet now and then in a very similar way to when she awoke in this immortal body, and that can be interesting if she searches the right things, but her absolute favorite thing to do eventually comes to be taking a break. Because Ene has to be energetic for her sake and the boy's, she gets tired sometimes. No, she can't actually shut her body down, and she doesn't want to, so she doesn't mind, but wherever her brain is, it needs to get away from all the laughing and teasing. It's nice to sit down now and then to think about only herself, but the problem is, when she tries to think about "only" herself, she often finds herself thinking about Haruka as well.

            Now, under her rules, Ene is under no circumstance permitted to think about Haruka. She's trying to get over those fleeting wishes ( _Why didn't she know what was wrong with her and do something about it before she died?_ ) and is doing well, so fantasies could only drive her back on her path to the ultimate goal, weaken her. With this knowledge planted firmly in her mind, he pops up anyway, as he always did.

            It's incredibly embarrassing for her (even though "Ene" shouldn't be embarrassed, that's something for "Takane"), but sometimes, the thoughts are filthy. Yes, sometimes she'll be reclining on a computer-generated sofa, and she'll suddenly see him propped up over her, kissing her with the gentleness that only he could muster. If she's lucky enough to regain focus then, she'll be able to sit up and brush it off by taking screenshots of herself smiling cheekily and setting them to Shintaro's desktop background, but that's not usually how it goes. When she's lost in Haruka, it's hard to find her way out, and kissing turns to feeling, which turns to... After she imagines having him totally melt, she's then able to snap out of it. With the virtual blood rushing to her virtual cheeks, she grits her teeth and reminds herself that, no, she definitely did not imagine having... with him (even though she'd be nineteen years old now, that word still makes her uncomfortable when it's Haruka she's talking about), and certainly did not imagine what he looked like when he... what sort of sound...

            It's usually not like that, though. Usually, it's just Haruka beside her, near her, smiling at her, holding her to his chest, and actually, that's worse than the dirty images because even though those do have emotion (they have lots of emotion), there's a heavy dose of leftover human lust weaved in, which makes them easier to pass off as "nothing". But the more common scenarios of intimacy even without contact are one hundred percent pure love and longing and maybe a little bit (or a lot) of sadness, which makes them completely impossible for Ene to forget.

            Haruka's face is (was) white, save for the little dot beneath his eye, which is big and black and shining, and his lips, which are the softest red and perpetually curved upwards. He's tall and skinnier than any boy (or would he be a man now?) should be, so it looks like he's been grabbed by his head and ankles and then stretched out so that the top of her own head barely reaches his shoulders. He knows (would know, if he was really here and she wasn't imagining things again) that the height difference makes her feel inferior-- well, if she's being honest, she secretly loves it, and he does know but flatters her-- so her bends down and tilts his head to the side and whispers, "Did you know that you're...?" and the way his eyes crinkle at the edges as he tells her all the wonderful things that she is and that he loves her is really overwhelming. Then he says more quietly, "Takane?" and this time, that's what makes it _too much_ , since she hasn't heard that name anywhere for so, so long. "Takane" shouldn't seem like her name, it _isn't_ , but when the imaginary Haruka says it, it seems to fit again. It's too much, because it's Haruka of all people, and that's what causes the pleasant and unwelcome illusion to snap in half, to her relief and mortification and displeasure.

            For a certain amount of time, it's easy enough for her to deny the childish attachment that has lived on, because she's Ene, who used to be Takane, and Takane was exceptionally talented at denying things that she'd be better off embracing. But eventually, she's not Ene anymore, she's Takane again, and as Takane, she's able to go out and see things. What she sees is "Konoha", Haruka's videogame avatar brought to life, just as "Ene" was, and it's terribly upsetting for her. She hates it more than she hates the boy (man) himself, because everything that Konoha does in a given situation is nothing like what _Haruka_ would do, yet they're so similar, so, so similar. When she gets that one chance to look into Konoha's eyes (which are pink, not black), she sees everything that Haruka must have longed for without seeing _Haruka_ , and it drives her crazy.

            Shintaro's little sister points out Konoha is Haruka ( _is_ he?) and asks if Ene-- _Takane_ wants to talk to him, and she does, she's not going to deny it this time, but she's afraid to, afraid that she'll be giving her words to the wrong person. Now isn't the time to bring her feelings into the equation (she gets the _feeling_ she'll regret this later, but ignores it), so she gives the girl some half-hearted answer that makes it sound like she's over it and it _was_ the stupid crush she wants it to be.

            She's told that she's changed. Yeah, that's probably true. Part of it was forced, but she did grow up a little bit over the two years that she was "Ene". No matter how major or minor that change was, though, Takane has finally learned to admit that there's been one thing that hasn't changed at all. She's still in love with the person who was always too nice to her, nicer than anyone should be to anyone. All this time, she's been thinking of Haruka, Haruka's smile, Haruka's eyes, Haruka's warmth, and even though she hates it, she can't _hide_ it any longer, not from herself.

            She really, really loves him, and because he's "here" without being _here_ , she's got no idea what to do. Last time, she would have been able to tell him had she not been pulled out of her body, but this time, well... how do you tell a dead person you love him? You don't, and that's all there is to it. As "Konoha" morphs into this dark _thing_ , Takane sighs amidst the confusion, "I guess I missed my chance again, huh?" She has no choice but to accept it.

**Author's Note:**

> The title was supposed to represent how Takane initially denied her feelings and it was too late when she finally accepted them, and as Ene, she went back to Square One. I'm not sure if that got across, though.  
> Also, I'm so sorry about that ending. I wanted to leave it sort of open because we don't really know whether or not Haruka comes back.


End file.
